Ghost
by Hagane
Summary: (5x3) And after the rain, I find myself falling all over again.


Title: Ghost

Author: Hagane

Pairing: 5x3 (barely there, but yes)

Summary: He needed to hold, _he_ wanted to let go.

* * *

I'd gone through four packs today. _Four_ packs. And still, the craving was there. I had a need, so great that I was willing to brace the torrential downpour to satisfy it. 

That was how I ended up stranded in the middle of the street, soaked to the skin and staring balefully at the closed door. The shop was closed, as was the one next to it. And the one to the next. They were all closed.

And it was only five in the evening.

Why were they closed, damn it?

I let my feet lead the way back, not really looking forward to the warm shelter of the inn and secretly preferring the company of the rain than that of my brooding companions. I knew what to expect when I got back.

And I was right.

Hakkai was sitting by the window, gazing wistfully out. He had that faraway look in his eyes, the one that told people he was thinking very painful thoughts. His smile had slipped a little, and he'd allowed just the slightest sliver of expression on his face. He glanced in my direction as I stepped into the room, and managed to get that smile back in place, for me, but just as soon as I'd turned around, it fell.

The saru was nowhere in sight, probably in his shared room with Sanzo, huddled up in his blankets and feeling sorry that Sanzo wasn't in the mood to play. I wondered briefly if he was a masochist at heart because no person in their right mind would want to be anywhere near Sanzo when it rained.

When it rained. And it was raining a damn lot these days. We were stuck here far longer than planned and I was already getting restless. There was only so much of the same women I could take, and the ones here, though pretty, couldn't carry on a decent conversation. I was sorely lacking entertainment (and intellectual stimulation) and it was pissing me off that the damn monk was-

Drinking himself pissed at the bar?

Yes. Yes it was. There was no mistaking that golden hair anywhere. It stuck out like a sore thumb even in the thorniest of bushes or the fanciest of parades. _He _stood out because of the bad vibes he gave and only real fools couldn't sense.

I was probably one of them, sometimes. Probably the biggest, really, because I knew how violently hostile he was yet I still tried to tread on his toes. Like now. He was sitting at the bar, the area around him suspiciously clear, and drowning himself in alcohol, and I slid into the stool next to him. And it was _raining_.

Surely, I knew what that meant.

He shot me a glare, from under heavy lashes. I returned with a smirk and waved to the bartender. _More, _I asked, _for Sanzo-sama._

_Fuck off kappa, _he slurred, more drunk than I'd thought, _go find a whore to thump._

_Why Sanzo, _I gasped in mock horror, _the words you spew! _I grinned amicably at him as he scowled at me, and offered him the bottle the bartender just set on the table. _Here, it's on me._

_Like fuck. I'm paying for all this, _he growled.

I shrugged. _Yeah well, same difference. _

He looked like he was about to retort, but then his shoulders just hunched and it seemed like all his energy left him _Go away, kappa._

I watched him fumble with the bottle, before taking a long swig and crashing it loudly down onto the table. I knew then where to head next.

* * *

No one said I was rational. _I_ never said I was rational. That probably would explain why I found myself in a brothel, a different one this time. This time, the specialities were _boys._

_Blond,_ I instructed, _I want a blond._

* * *

It's been a week now, and it's still raining. There was no break, no lapse in the deluge. The rain was just pouring. 

If I were more stupid, I'd probably say the heavens were crying. Maybe because their hopes were on a priest who didn't even believe in them. Yeah, I'd probably say that. Maybe.

We've been stuck in this town in that span of time, and Hakkai had been cooped up in his room for that same amount of time, with the occasional forced appearance at the dinner table to sip at his sake and move his food around on his plate. Goku had fallen into quite the depression, and I could understand really, because there was no end in sight. At least, not one we could well see.

The monk alternated between getting himself stone drunk and brooding. There was a hint of despair about him, I might even say desperation, but this is Sanzo and he's never desperate.

At least, not that I know so far.

And there was me, unhappily dissatisfied with the way things were going. I paid a visit to the call house every night, and had done nearly all the blondes in the place. It was getting old.

* * *

_We're leaving,_ Sanzo said, startling us all.

_But it's raining, _Hakkai pointed out quietly from his seat by the window.

_If we wait for the rain…_Sanzo trailed, and cleared his throat uneasily, _we can't wait. _

_I understand,_ Hakkai stood up, almost reluctantly, _I'll get the jeep ready._

Sanzo nodded, and turned to the saru. _Goku, we're going._

His eyes brightened and his entire face lit up.

I wondered, really.

* * *

It was different, out in the jeep in the rain. No one spoke, and even Goku could sense the tension in the air. Hakkai wasn't happy. You could tell from the way he sat so stiffly in his driver's seat. And the way he looked straight ahead.

The monk was resolute in his determination to get on with the journey. What's the rush? I wanted to ask, but never quite dared. He too wasn't happy. You could tell from the way his muscles were tensed and how his hand kept reaching into his robes to pull out his pack of cigarettes before drawing away, reminded of how it would be useless to fight the flooding rain.

I was annoyed, and rattled at the same time. The silence was deafening and the awkwardness lurking in the air just didn't feel healthy. I watched uneasily as the two in the front seat lost themselves in visions of the past, and let a drugged dopiness settle over their usually well-guarded selves. I wasn't used to seeing them like this, and having the pair of them together made it worse, because it seemed like they were seeking each other out in their private agony and the only good that it was doing them was helping them tumble even deeper into that pit of darkness, or whatever it was eating away at their minds.

I fervently hoped that we might get to another town soon. This was driving me insane.

* * *

My prayers were answered, coincidentally. Or maybe there really was a God who listened to all my prayers. Well, whatever it was, it helped do the trick because by nightfall, we were riding into a small, peaceful settlement where the rain didn't pound so hard into the earth and where I could smell-

_Food! _The saru yelled excitedly in my ear, _Sanzo! I smell food!_

I half-expected the monk to turn around and threaten the stupid monkey, but he didn't even acknowledge the outburst. Not even gracing it with a grunt. Hakkai didn't comment, he pulled the jeep in front of an inn and five minutes later, we were seated with hot food on the table.

But Sanzo didn't touch his plate, Hakkai didn't drink and I found that I'd lost all appetite. Only the saru was enjoying the meal and he didn't really notice.

_I'm going to bed, _he said abruptly, throwing the gold card onto the table, _do whatever you want. _

_With the card, Sanzo? _I asked cheekily. He didn't even pause in his movement and I felt a momentary sense of disappointment that he was too wrapped up in his misery to take the bait. Hakkai stood up as well, pushing the card gently into my hands. He gave a strained smile and turned without a word to follow Sanzo out.

Well, damn. I've got the monk's credit card. So…where to next?

* * *

I find myself in yet another whorehouse, looking out for any blond that catches my eye. But this time, he's got to have purple eyes. Or something along those lines. I'm not particularly picky, because I know those eyes are pretty hard to come by. When the sort-of-the-pimp guy tells me he hasn't got any with purple eyes, or anything close to that shade, a sudden surge of anger passes through me and I can feel more than hear myself ask, _why the fuck not?_

He shrugs and says purple eyes are rare. And then under his breath mutter, that people with purple eyes would do his business some good.

I snort. Yeah, I reckon that'd be true.

Still, I guess the blond with bright blue eyes might do. Even if blue is a long shot from purple.

* * *

The rain seems to be letting up. I can see a little of the sun peeking from behind the clouds and it brings an unexpected smile to my face. Maybe today, Hakkai and the monk will snap back to their not-so-normal selves.

But it doesn't.

The sky seems intent on its crying and I have no idea why.

* * *

I'm tired of this. Sick of this shit. I've had enough of seeing them wallow in misery. The only reason they're miserable is because they want to be. Well shit, it's not fair dragging everyone else with them just coz _choke_

And I'm sick of drinking all this stuff. There's only so much alcohol I can take in two nights, and there's only so much entertainment a place provides. I've half a mind to tell Sanzo to get his ass moving, but that just puts ideas into my mind.

Fuck. I need more beer.

* * *

_We're leaving at first light, _he announces at dinner. He's finally touching his food- if nibbling at a morsel counts.

Hakkai pokes at his food delicately, raising his eyes to look at Sanzo, questioning. It's an unspoken question but I can hear it. _In this rain?_

And Sanzo answers with his own unspoken thought, _Yes. _

And I wonder how I know this.

* * *

It's the last time we'll be here, so I thought I might as well find some comfort. The trip tomorrow will be uncomfortable and stifling, what with the sky not letting up, and I might as well try to prep myself up.

That's probably why I ended up in front of the brothel for the second time in two nights, demanding for a blond, any blond, as many blonds as they could give.

And still, even in the midst of the heat and the throes of what might pass as passion but probably isn't, I'm not satisfied. I'm holding them- three bodies pressed against me in a sinful dance on the sheets but I feel hollow, because it doesn't mean anything.

And when I close my eyes and scream my release, it sounds empty to my ears.

I'd kill to hear a gunshot right now.

* * *

It seemed to me like Sanzo was getting tired of losing himself to his inner turmoil. I can empathise, because it must suck to be feeling so depressed for so long. There's only so much melancholy a person can take, and I think he's reached his limit break. If he doesn't snap out of it now, I'm sure he'll break.

What the fuck am I talking about? I'm acting like I know him. I admit, that's quite presumptuous thinking on my part. Sanzo doesn't conform to anyone's normal standard of behaviour. He's maniacally violent, desperately abusive, and fabulously hostile. His eyes light up when he gets pissed, and he just springs to life when someone crosses him, and he's just so god-damn beautiful when he's mad that it makes my heart ache.

And maybe, that's why I'm starting to hate the rain too. Because it takes Sanzo away with it.

Lost in my thoughts, I don't realise that the weather's lightened up, so that it's only a slight drizzle and the smell of nicotine invading my senses tugs me back to reality. A thin trail of smoke blows my way, smothered slightly by the near negligible rain.

The saru dares to open his mouth now, his animal instincts telling him that it's all right to talk now, and he's right.

_Sanzo, _he whimpers, _I'm hungry._

And Sanzo turns around with a glare. _Is it so hard to shut your trap? _He snaps.

Yes, I believe it is. He's exactly like the sun, Sanzo. After the showers, he makes his return, bright and sharp and blinding.

And he's got me falling all over again.

* * *


End file.
